STRONG AS A MOTHER

During Quincy's previous battle with Leukemia, my cousin-in-law (now soul sister) gave me a sweatshirt that states in large bold letters "STRONG AS A MOTHER". I wear it while I'm in the hospital with Quincy. It's my identity these days.

I have been tested this past week... AM I truly strong? Can I handle all of this?... I have crumbled. I have sobbed. I have lost so much sleep. I tried going to the gym but I couldn't get out of my car. I just sat in the parking lot and bawled. 

“No one ever prepares you for Motherhood”. Have you heard that saying? 

No one ever prepared me to be a mother of a child with cancer. How could one possibly prepare for that? 

This past week has SUCKED. 

• My hubby, Andrew, got Covid. 
• We were ALL exposed, including Quincy. 
• Reece got sick with a cough and a fever. 
• Andrew has been quarantined in our master bedroom. 
• I was kept away from Quincy for 7 days. 
• While being separated from his parents, Quincy had to endure his fevers, his cough (he has a virus too, like Reece), a Bronchoscopy, a Lung Biopsy, a post surgery drainage tube coming out of his back, and then getting that tube removed a few days after surgery. Luckily my MIL, Grams, was with Quincy. He did not have to face all of that alone. 

My fears of Quincy having Covid tested my "Strong as a Mother" persona that I've been trying to embody. What happens to a kid with NO immune system, AND a preexisting lung infection, who gets Covid? I imagined every mother's biggest fear. 

What happens if Quincy is not in remission after this first round of chemo? He will have to have MORE and MORE chemo before the bone marrow transplant. How much chemo can his little body endure before things start to become permanently damaged? 

Quincy has been sick on and off for TWO YEARS. He has had more medicine and has had to face more life threatening situations than I have ever had to face and I’m 41 years older than him. 

Will this transplant seal the deal and send him on his way for a lifetime of health or are we gonna have relapse after relapse? 

Have I not had enough shit thrown at me in the past two years? When do I get a break from all of this sadness and worry:

• Ovarian Cancer stole my dear sister, Marcy
• Leukemia plagued my son
• A relapse of Leukemia plagues my son AGAIN

These have been the source of my thoughts and screams and tears.

I'm out of control. 

I need to breathe. 

What was the name of my blog again? 4 in 8 out…come on Mama, you can do this.

Anyway, I truly know what being a Mother is now. During these 7 days away from Quincy, and facing so many of my worst nightmares, I found myself pining for him. Needing to be with him. Feeling as if part of me was missing. 

A part of me WAS missing. He is a part of me and I fully understand that now. 

I am no longer a silly high school hippy going to Steve Miller concerts.. I'm no longer the carefree college girl chugging back beers at my brothers fraternity house...no longer am I the wide eyed actress living out my dreams in New York City...I'm a grown woman with a child who is fighting for his life for the second time in one year.

I am a mother of a cancer fighter.

Keep Breathing

Quincy rang the Victory Bell last September 2021 and we walked outta there thinking we'd never see those lovely nurses again.

We had a magical time watching him go back to school (first grade), make new friends, join the after school choir and dance classes,  go back to swim and karate lessons, and  join a basketball team with his little brother Reece.  Academically, he got all caught up and started reading chapter books and became a math wizard.  We went to Mexico, Hawaii, Santa Cruz... we had a huge trip planned for this summer  -  Greece, Germany, Switzerland and France.   Our hearts soared when he performed in his first grade play, "Patterns in the Sky".  

Every month we took him to Rady Children's for his routine bloodwork/check up and all has been good. Better than good - like amazing.  His blood recovered in record time.  Everything seemed just perfect.

Monday, May 2nd, his routine bloodwork scared the doctors. His numbers were very low. They ran another test that day for the pathologist. They found 11% blasts. We took him back the next day for a bone marrow biopsy. On Wednesday May 4th, we got the news, he was having a relapse. They found 50% blasts in his marrow. That night we checked into Rady's. 

Our little warrior will receive at least two rounds of chemo and then a Bone Marrow Transplant (BMT).  Quincy's brother, Reece, will be his bone marrow donor and here's the good news, they are matched PERFECTLY.  An 18:18 match.  We could potentially be hospitalized and in treatment for 4-5 months depending on how well he does. We will get a few breaks where we will be able to come out of the hospital for a week or so.

Damit this sucks. We were so hopeful these past months just shaking our heads saying, "It's as if nothing ever happened! He's totally back to normal so quickly"!  And now I am saying, "It's as if we never left".  Man, I was scared and in SHOCK and freaked out of my MIND last time. This time,  I'm depressed.

A friend of mine asked me, "HOW are you still breathing"? And the only thing I could say was, "It's just automatic".  I guess my heart is still beating so I'm still breathing, yeah? Since Monday, everything has felt automatic to me. One nightmare leading to the next nightmare and I'm just following along automatically because what else can I do? You gotta just keep going. So, we have leukemia again.. .we are back at Rady Children's again...and I'm still breathing somehow.

This is his amazing attitude right before we drove him back to the hospital.