That’s all I can do, just keep believing that Quincy will live a long, happy, healthy life until he’s old and gray. I have to be THAT specific with my manifestation because last time he had Leukemia, I manifested him at 10 years old and leveling up to the 5th grade. Well, shit, he got to age 10 and he made it to the 5th grade, and damnit, he got AML (Leukemia) again. I should have pushed my manifestation out to when he’s old and grey and having lived his best life ever. So, is it MY fault he relapsed again? Obviously, the universe listens when I ask for things, so this time, I will keep believing that he will survive, and I will be way more specific about his timeline when I manifest.
“Quincy will get through this stem cell transplant easily and successfully. This will be the CURE for him, and he will live a long, happy, healthy life until he is old and grey”.
This is my manifestation. These are the words I say every day, multiple times.
Let's rewind a bit.
Preschool - Quincy was sick and undiagnosed for 9 months.
Kindergarten - Diagnosed with AML Leukemia. Underwent 5 rounds of chemo, which took about 6 months in the hospital. Lots of side effects and related illnesses, but he rang the victory bell and was cancer-free for 8 months.
First Grade - He relapsed with AML. Did 2 rounds of chemo and a bone marrow transplant. Little bro, Reece, was his donor. A perfect match. He rang the victory bell and was cancer-free for 3 years.
Fifth Grade - 2 weeks into the new school year, and, crap, he relapsed again with AML. He did 2 rounds of a new and innovative clinical trial of chemo and immunotherapy, which put him into remission. Currently, we are in the transplant unit preparing for another transplant. This time, his Dad, Andrew, is the stem cell donor. I was also a match, but they chose Andrew.
So here we are, doing this again. I’m scared shitless. No matter how much I believe he will survive this, I am still scared out of my mind. How can I not be?
This is how I feel: I’m angry. I feel betrayed. I am annoyed and inconvenienced. I feel powerless. I look up at the sky, and I feel disappointed and let down. I cannot hold on to any reasons as to why this is happening to make myself feel better. I have not been able to justify anything this time. During his last relapse, I firmly believed that he needed his brother's bone marrow to cure him. I thought I had it all figured out. NOW, I don’t know WHAT to believe….(read this sarcastically with an edge of “fuck you”) “Oh, wait, he didn’t need his brother’s bone marrow… he needed his DAD’s stem cells.. oh, ok! Yeah, that makes perfect sense.”… I have screamed so loud in anger that I believe I may have caused an earthquake somewhere.
What have I learned after this THIRD diagnosis? That I have no answers, no justifications, I have no control over Mother Nature, and that this certainly is not “God’s plan”… God does not plan anything. I believe we are put into this crazy-hard human experience to find Joy and Love in the middle of this shitstorm of chaos.
I am a human having a human experience. The only real power I have is how I choose to process this challenging circumstance. Do I have the strength to decide to grow from this as if I’m being “planted” or am I going to allow myself to be suffocated and “buried” under this pile of shit…. If you know me, then you know the answer…
