I have been tested this past week... AM I truly strong? Can I handle all of this?... I have crumbled. I have sobbed. I have lost so much sleep. I tried going to the gym but I couldn't get out of my car. I just sat in the parking lot and bawled.
“No one ever prepares you for Motherhood”. Have you heard that saying?
No one ever prepared me to be a mother of a child with cancer. How could one possibly prepare for that?
This past week has SUCKED.
- My hubby, Andrew, got Covid.
- We were ALL exposed, including Quincy.
- Reece got sick with a cough and a fever.
- Andrew has been quarantined in our master bedroom.
- I was kept away from Quincy for 7 days.
- While being separated from his parents, Quincy had to endure his fevers, his cough (he has a virus too, like Reece), a Bronchoscopy, a Lung Biopsy, a post surgery drainage tube coming out of his back, and then getting that tube removed a few days after surgery. Luckily my MIL, Grams, was with Quincy. He did not have to face all of that alone.
My fears of Quincy having Covid tested my "Strong as a Mother" persona that I've been trying to embody. What happens to a kid with NO immune system, AND a preexisting lung infection, who gets Covid? I imagined every mother's biggest fear.
What happens if Quincy is not in remission after this first round of chemo? He will have to have MORE and MORE chemo before the bone marrow transplant. How much chemo can his little body endure before things start to become permanently damaged?
Quincy has been sick on and off for TWO YEARS. He has had more medicine and has had to face more life threatening situations than I have ever had to face and I’m 41 years older than him.
Will this transplant seal the deal and send him on his way for a lifetime of health or are we gonna have relapse after relapse?
Have I not had enough shit thrown at me in the past two years? When do I get a break from all of this sadness and worry:
- Ovarian Cancer stole my dear sister, Marcy
- Leukemia plagued my son
- A relapse of Leukemia plagues my son AGAIN
These have been the source of my thoughts and screams and tears.
I'm out of control.
I need to breathe.
What was the name of my blog again? 4 in 8 out…come on Mama, you can do this.
Anyway, I truly know what being a Mother is now. During these 7 days away from Quincy, and facing so many of my worst nightmares, I found myself pining for him. Needing to be with him. Feeling as if part of me was missing.
A part of me WAS missing. He is a part of me and I fully understand that now.
I am no longer a silly high school hippy going to Steve Miller concerts.. I'm no longer the carefree college girl chugging back beers at my brothers fraternity house...no longer am I the wide eyed actress living out my dreams in New York City...I'm a grown woman with a child who is fighting for his life for the second time in one year.
I am a mother of a cancer fighter.
17 comments:
Oh Honey. Thank you for being real. ❤️ It has been difficult. That being said, we are going to beat this together. For Good. Quincy shall prevail. - ♥️ Dada
You get to feel everything, write about everything, hold on and hope for everything. I’m glad you can write about your fears and tears. We can’t feel what you do, but I am glad you share it with us.
Yes! You are that and a whole lot more!!!
I love you, treeks. I wish I could be there babe!!! I’m holding your hand 100 miles away! 💕💕💕💕💕💕
That post ^^^ is from me, Misty!!!
Thank you for being real, whole, courageous and everything from strong to crumbling. Your full experience is seen. There’s so much hard! I admire your beautiful mothering. Sending hugs to be with you through the pain. Much love, Susan
I love you babe! We made strong boys and we will all ring that victory bell!!!
Needing a big Nance hug ….
Love you more, Misty!
Thank you, dear friend! Love you so much!
I squeeze your hand tightly and send love to one strong mama from another.
Oh Theresa, you are dealing amazingly well with a terrible conjunction of bad news! We are sending you all our love and wish for all the bad stuff to go away soon. Marianne and Dimitrios
Teresa… I can’t imagine what you are going through. But I do know how big and strong your village is. We, they are here for you at all times. Know that the love and prayers are helping you in times when you need strength. And feeling the need to grieve makes you stronger than holding it in! You are a strong mama… and bring your beautiful self and voice to Q Man when you are with him! Sing a song! Love you guys! ❤️ Kris
That is it. “Strong As A Mother” is crying in the parking lot instead of walking into the gym. It’s getting the sh$t kick out of you right after you finally get back up on your feet. It’s trying to hang on when it’s all going sideways. Trying to find the ground under you when you’re in a free fall. Strong doesn’t feel strong most days when your kid is up against death. Strong is feeling your way through day after day after day…finding your way when there is no way. You are doing it. I’m sorry you have to.
Theresa, you are so strong. Your words inspire us all. Thank you for sharing. We are all here beside you. Call on our energy. Sending you strength and love!
Oh this just tugs at my heart strings so bad…. Theresa, you are so strong and you sharing your journey is a blessing to so many. We are learning through you to cherish every moment. You have been through so much more than many can imagine. I pray for your family to be out making all kinds of adventurous memories very soon. So many prayers for your precious little ones. Just the cutest little bros❤️❤️
Theresa, Craig and I are pulling for you and Quincy, Reece, and Andrew. I hope they can help strengthen him to fight off this fungal infection and that his bones stay strong against the leukemia. Lots of love to all of you! -Carla
Goodness Theresa, The power of love, friendship, family and so many prayers have been carrying y'all and continue to carry you every. single. day. Your beloved boys are indeed superboys and you are indeed supermom! Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us. Much love & many blessings always, Becca
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